You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
