Old men and throwing up are my life now.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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