you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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