Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
