Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
