i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Who did Billy Mays play for?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize