Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
