Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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