Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
