Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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