I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
They took my balls.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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