I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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