i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
