My sheets look like a crime scene.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
