His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
