its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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