Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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