i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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