i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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