Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
