Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
