Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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