I will die if light touches me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
