the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
