i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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