Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
