I just saw a hot homeless man
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
