i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
