You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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