I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I will die if light touches me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
