First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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