Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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