My friends, they love my intelligence
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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