I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
