we have pet lesbian snakes
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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