Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
