that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
