need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
