my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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