Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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