3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
