Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize