It's like God shit irony all over that family
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You're a waste of cheezeits
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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