chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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