you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
