Pants 0. Shit 1.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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