I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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