Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize