Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
