Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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