we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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