I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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