even my farts smell like vagina
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
