i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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