I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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