my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
