drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
