I hope mine doesn't look like that
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
