Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
