I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
