You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
