I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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