So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
