You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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