I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
