I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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