1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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