I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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