Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
